are you ready???

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Read all about Dennis (the sheep dog) Horatio in his new blogspot. Read about his past life as a sex goddog roaming around the Bonio galaxy!

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Read it here first!
Tildey

Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War: Part Three
Mines a Lethal Bizzle


KKKKKAAAAABBBBBBOOOOM!

SSSSSSMMMEEESHHHHHHHH!

RRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARR!!!!!!!

“Shut up Dennis you prat! the battle hasn’t even started yet!” I said.
Dennis was making stupid noises in the background for some strange reason. I never really knew what I saw in him to be honest. Great in bed but thick as pig shit.
“I am so sorry Tildey. You know how over excited I get!!!”
“Yes unfortunately…”

Boaracious thrusted his cyber weiner towards the Spanish ships. It was now 100 feet long and about to smash the Spanish boats to pieces. Victory was surely in our piggy palms…

Then we heard a loud humming noise and a huge jolt of light came towards the weiner
ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAPPPPP!!!

Roastacious must have turned on the death ray! Oh bollocks we were doomed surely. Porkin’ hell! Our bacon was surely going to be smoked…
“Do not worry your nice rump behind Tildey,” Boaracious boomed suddenly, “This weiner has seen bigger forces than that measly death ray! Why it was just the other week I had to poke a planet called Vaginatron away from the sun of death in the Ipod galaxy! I saved godzillions of trolls!”

The death ray and the wiener were locked in an almighty power struggle…with every surge the wiener got bigger and bigger…we could see Roastacious in the distance jumping around like an ugly fat fucking moron. I would love to cut the bastard up. Boaracious began to struggle against the might of the death ray…
“Are you alright Snout?” I said.
“I may look like I am struggling Tildey, but remember I am a strong handsome boar and nothing…not even a mega sonic death ray…will end my piggy life! BE PATIENT!!!”

“We are going to die! We are gonners! I am too young to die!” Dennis woofed in a girly fashion.

SMACK!

I walloped Dennis with my trotter so hard that I dislodged one of his teeth. He was beginning to get on my swine tits.
“Dennis just calm down…I am sure he Boaracious knows what he is doing!” I spluttered.

THREE DAYS LATER

It was three days since the weiner and the death ray first got entangled in the mighty struggle. Boaracious was silent and had not spoken for days. In the distance we could see Roastacious Swilltron getting impatient…

“what the hell is going on!!!” Roastacious roared, “The power of the Time machine and the death ray together should have surely wiped out Boaracious and the whole English fleet by now!”
Behind him the Spanish captain and the other soldiers were looking very worried.
“Senor Swilltron are you sure that you are going to win this battle? It looks like the English piggies are never going to surrender!”
Roastacious turned round angrily and looked at the Captain in an angry but agonised fashion
“How dare you question ME! I AM ROASTACIOUS SWILLTRON…I HAVE DEFEATED SO MANY PEOPLE IN BATTLE!!! I HAVE WIPED OUT THE WHOLE SPECIES OF ATOMIC DEATH PARROTS! I HAVE SLAUGHTERED THE ENTIRE WRESTLING FEDERATION DOMINION IN THE UNDERTAKER QUADRANT!! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I AM GOING TO BE DEFEATED!!!” Roastacious boomed.

“I am sorry Senor Swilltron…but…but… have y-y-you ev-ev-er defeated Boaracious in battle?” the Spanish captain asked nervously.
Roastacious looked at the Captain. They both knew it…the Captain could see a knowing look in Swilltron’s eyes… he had never defeated Boaracious Snout. With this knowledge the Captain shouted something in Spanish and all of them started abandoning the ship.

Just then Roastacious heard something behind him. It sounded like a humming noise and it was getting louder and louder…almost deafening…then he heard Boaracious in the distance shouting in a roaring malevolent voice…

“BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME AND THE OTHER TIME BOARS I DEMAND YOU ROASTACIOUS SWILLTRON OF THE PLANETS PINKET AND PURKETON TO LEAVE EARTH FOREVER UNDER SECTION 12 GLEEBO 8 OF THE UNDESIRABLE PIG RACE ACT 1588” Boaracious ordered.
The TM Truffle started hovering above the Spanish ship and became unattached from the death ray…the ray became weaker…the weiner became bigger…and then the strangest fucking thing happened that I had ever seen (other than the time Roger the cockerel snogged daisy the cow)…

The weiner turned into a giant mouth! It was bizarre to say the least.
“IF YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THE PLANET THEN I WILL HAVE TO GET MY VERY LARGE WEINER TO DESTROY YOU!” Boaracious shouted.
He is so sexy when he talks like that…I think that we are bound to romp with each other in another episode of Tildey Trotter…
“Never!” Roastacious said from his loud speaker, “I am a Swilltron! We never give in…”
“Then you leave me no choice…” Boaracious said, “CYBER WEINER I DEMAND YOU TO DESTROY THAT FAT FRIGGIN PIG!”

With one fell swoop the Cyber Weiner ate the whole of the Spanish fleet. It was over. We had won.
“We did it!” Dennis said. I looked at him with disgust and kicked him in his balls.
“You didn’t do it! Boaracious did it!”
“We all did it Tildey! You, me and Dennis, but we need to leave this place fast! Remember history did not happen this way…do you think that people will want to remember the Spanish being defeated by a team of misfit people who appeared from nowhere? We have got to leave and let Sir Francis Drake take all the credit…it is his time…not ours.”
“But…But… that’s not fair. We worked our asses off for this. Swilltron has gone and its all down to you!” I cried.

Boaracious turned his back on me and walked away. “We are yet to have our finest hour Tildey…it will come for you and me…I am certain of this…in fact I know this!!! Now lets go to the planet of the Pubs in the Stella galaxy…we can celebrate there…”

Boaracious’ words made a me have pig goosebumps…a shiver tingled down my spine… what did he mean? Our finest hour? And why was he certain of it?



We were sat in the finest pub on the Planet of the Pubs. Boaracious went to the boar and ordered me some Barley Oats with extra alcohol; Dennis a bowl of Water and he ordered a Lethal Bizzle whatever the fuck that was. We were drinking for some time…it was nice just to sit down after the crazy time that I had since I met this amazing Boar…I was exhausted and battered and bruised…

Just then a small penguin came up to Baoracious…
“Are you Admiral Snout? FUCK….My name is Phib Dhigilon…GASH…I am from the Ice planet Coolopia…SHIT…we are in so much trouble…will you help us…BALLS!” the little tourette riddled penguin said nervously.

“Well Tildey it looks as though that finest hour I told you about has finally come! Phib Dhigilon I would be delighted to help you…lead the way…”


NEXT TIME WITH TILDEY TROTTER…TILDEY TROTTER UP SHIT CREEK MOUNTAIN…

Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War: PART TWO

Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War
Part two:

Boaracious versus Roastacious: ENDGAME!!!

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!” Roastacious chortled.
Boaracious whips out the smallest sausage Roastacious had ever seen. It was tiny and pink and made Roastacious laugh his smelly trotters off.
“You may well laugh but by touching the end of my CYBER WEINER and whispering the magic words I can make my weiner do anything I want.” Boaracious said with a confident snigger.
“WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT? TOUCH IT?”
“Well it wouldn’t be the first time you have seen a man touching a tiny weiner is it Roastacious? My cyber weiner allows me to do anything and go anywhere!”
Roastacious Swilltron was confused. What was Boaracious going to do with a chipolata? He was never going to penetrate his pig iron with a small floppy sausage…
At that moment Boaracious touched the end of the Weiner and whispered one word. Roastacious was baffled. He could not hear what he said but the next minute…
FLASH! BANG! TROLLOP! Boaracious had disappeared!
“MY WORD! THAT IS ONE HELL OF A WEINER!!” Roastacious gasped.

A sudden rush of orgasmic energy fizzled through my piggy pores…lights flashed before my eyes…I could feel a fantastic frivolous fabulous frazzling feeling fill my rashers…it ran from my curly behind right through to my snout…
BLAMLALADINGDONG…BASH!
One minute I was standing in my cell talking to the ugly Swilltrons and the next minute I felt as though I had been catapulted a million miles…I woke up with a searing pain through my spine. There were sparkles of time dust all over my hairy swine body and frazzles of my piggy fat were bubbling under my skin. It was at that moment I felt a sickening flowing feeling and noticed I was on a wooden floor. Why couldn’t my life be fucking simple? I was living a nice life playing Pigker with all my pals in the pig sty! It was so simple when I knew Mr Baldwin wasn’t a damn evil butcher and when I knew I could look at Dennis without thinking FUCKING TIME DOG!!! Balls! Where was I?...oh yeah…a wooden floor? I heard a hustle and bustle above me. I looked up and smoke…BOOSH…BOOSH…BOOSH…
“What the fuck was that?” I said startled
“Don't worry my baby swine…you are safe now you are with me!” A familiar voice muttered suavely.
“Boaracious! You saved my swine rind yet again…but how…where…what the…!”
“Do not worry my precious rumpleskin. We are on an English ship in the channel. The Spanish are just off starboard and we are firing them to high piggy heaven!” Snout said.
“You mean we are actually fighting the Spanish? Why are we here?”
“Roastacious is not a clever man. He does not realise that Time Boars such as I have cyber weiners. I zapped all three of us out of the Swilltonmegaship that is circling the earth now!”
“Cyber weiner? Three of us?” My head was truly buggered now. Truly porked.

At that moment I heard a husky voice behind Boaracious…
“This little piggy was certainly not going to the market was she Boaracious?”
The most beautiful black and white dog came strutting from behind the Time Boar. He was gorgeous…absolutely ravishing…my piggy hormones started racing…it was Dennis!!! I rushed to hug him. He was fine. All of those years he was humping me I never heard him speak. I was flabbergasted.
“Oh Dennis you are ok!” I shouted.
“I am all the better for seeing your sexy swine ass Miss Trotter. It is great to actually talk to you and stop pretending I am a farm yard dog. God I hated that farm and that dirty filthy stinking Baldwin!!!!”
I looked into his eyes and felt my juices flowing. What I would give for his body on mine now…but this is not a Mills and Boon novel so I wont bore you with what I was feeling.

“TILDEY! We haven’t got time for all that. Put her down Dennis!” Boaracious demanded.
He was talking to the captain of the ship…apparently Sir Francis Drake…but I am porked if I know who that is. Dennis was explaining to me that the cyber weiner makes all animals appear human in a two hundred metre radius…although this confused some of the sailors as the seagulls appeared as ghoulish flying men.
“Pleasure to meet you Miss Trotter and Mister Canine,” Sir Francis said elegantly, “I am afraid this is no place for a lady such as yourself but I am guaranteed by Admiral Snout that you are all sent here by the Queen to help us defeat the Spanish vermin.”
“This is true Sir Drake. The Spanish have captured a weapon that will destroy all of your ships and the whole of England if you don’t let us intervene now.”

Roastacious had commandeered the Truffle and the power of the Baldwins mega death ray and any zap of this would destroy everything in its path. We were gonners…there was no way we could defeat the Spanish if they had the help of the Swilltrons. I suddenly developed the trots…scared shitless…
“Tildey…do not worry your trotters my dear…we will defeat them…Sir Drake do you have any snuff by any chance?” Boaracious said calmly.
He then lined up a finger of snuff and snorted it through his enormous snout. I had never noticed it before but Boaracious had a large golden ring through his snozzle…it distracted me a little until my inquisitive scouse side forced itself out…
“How can I not worry when we don’t have anything to defeat him with?”
“Calm down calm down Miss Trotter…remember he has the mega death ray but I have the weiner.” Snout said with pride.
“How can your small sausage save the day?” I said.
“Many women ask me that Tildey…but I can assure you my weiner will save us!”

At that same moment Roastacious was sniggering on board a Spanish ship linking the power drive of the Truffle to the pluglets on the mega death ray.
“MEN WE WILL DEFEAT THE ENGLISH WITH ONE TOUCH OF THIS BUTTON! THE POWER OF BOTH OF THESE MACHINES COMBINED IS ENOUGH TO DESTROY ANYTHING IN ITS PATH! THE NEXT STEP ENGLAND…THEN BEYOND!!!” Roastacious said.

All of the Spanish men were looking at Roastacious baffled…
“Hey Pedro what is this crazy monster saying? I can not understand a word he is saying! Did we smoke too much crazy tobacco again?” Raul said
“Yes my amigo…just smile and cheer at him every time he finishes a sentence…”

Suddenly the distance Roastacious could see a large object growing and growing. It looked like…it can’t be! It was that darn weiner again. This time Boaracious Snout was making it grow and there was only one direction it was going to come…had to act fast! Roastacious slammed down the lever on the machine and at the same time the giant weiner came crashing down towards the Spanish ships…

Look forward to the final instalment of
‘Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War: Mines a Lethal Bizzle’

Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War: PART ONE

Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War
Part One: Destruction, Obstruction, Reaction!

Hello…is…is that you? Yes it is. Oh thank the pig lord it is! I have some good news and some bad news, but the bad news is no news if you are waiting to hear what the bad news is. The bad news is that the Baldwins, the nasty butcher race, destroyed Liverpool and the surrounding area with their mega death ray! We battled and battled until there wasn’t a blade of grass left in the whole of Merseyside...not that there was any grass in Liverpool as it had all been stolen by chavs to begin with. So ok this would only be bad news if you were from Liverpool, but seeing as Liverpool no longer exists then surely this is good news! Ha only joking…I miss my homeland…and yes I bet you are wondering why I am stuck in this tiny stinking cell…well the fact is I don’t know why! One minute I was hurtling through space due to the blast of the death ray and then I wake up here! Where the pork am I? And where the hell is Boaracious Snout? I am one scratched piece of pork…

“Why hello pretty piggy swines! How the devil are you?” Boaracious said emphatically.
Boaracious woke up in a stunning pink pig sty with vivaciously pink walls and fluffy red pillows strewn all over the show. Amongst the pillows were a harem of gorgeous piggy swines the most mesmerising lady pigs in the whole of the universe. The fact that Boaracious Snout had lost his Time machine and was now in the middle of nowhere surrounded by sexy piglets did not phase the gargantuan Time Boar.
“Looks like you have come up trumps again Boaracious…mwah ha ha!!! Snort snort.” He chanted to himself.
“Would you like some loving sir?” A piggy swine said raunchily.
“As much as I would love some lovely boar loving I don’t really think I have time…I have got to go and save Tildey and the earth!” Snout said, “Come to think of it where the porkin’ hell are we my dearest piggy swine?”
“My master sent you here. He says he is an old friend of yours…you have been unconscious for a while… do you feel ok sir?” she said inquisitively.
An old friend? Boaracious sat confused and was thinking who would have the power to transport them out of the TM Truffle…but…there is only one race with the power to do so…one race that was much more powerful than the Baldwins…they can’t be still around…they left this universe centuries ago under Section 12 GLEEBO 8 of the Undesirable Pig Race Act 1588.
At that moment the doors swung open…

My door opened dramatically and three vast figures appeared before me. The smell of rotten swill feed blasted into my nostrils almost making my sick to the trotters. Gradually the figures moved forward into the light of the cell. The stench grew but the sight of the creatures actually made me understand where the odour was coming from.
“WHO ARE YOU? WHO ARE YOU?” One creature screeched.
“WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU WITH THE TIME BOAR? ARE YOU HIS ACCOMPLICE?”
They were 7 foot tall and had exceedingly pig like features from their necks up. Moving my eye sight down I saw that their bodies were a mixture of pig iron and swill. Maggots were chomping at the rotting swill feed. It was fucking disgusting.
“My name is Tildey Trotter…I am from earth…where is Mr Snout?” I mumbled nervously.
“WE ARE THE SWILLTRONS! WE HAVE COME FROM FAR AWAY TO REGAIN OUR POWER ON EARTH! IF YOU ARE OF NO IMPORTANCE TO THE TIME BOAR THEN YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!!!”
“Why are you here? What do you want with Boaracious and the Truffle?” I asked.
“WE HAVE COME FROM FAR AWAY AFTER BEING EXPELLED FROM THIS UNIVERSE BY THE UNDESIRABLE PIG RACE ACT IN 1588. WE HAVE TRAVELLED FAR AND WIDE TO REGAIN OUR POWER IN THE UNIVERSE AND TO DO THIS WE MUST GET THE TIME MACHINE! WE WILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE, HOGGLESFORD AND THE EARTH! OUR BIGGEST ACQUISUTION! OINK OINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The ugliest Swilltron declared.

5 years ago I was enjoying my life in Lydiate. Playing Pigker and living an easy life. Now I am stuck in the middle of space and time facing grotesque shits!!! Why me?...

“Well, well, well, Roastacious Swilltron! We meet again!” Boaracious said, “It has been a long time since I laid my piggy eyes on you! I thought you were long gone!”
The Swilltrons were a race of obese metal pigs originally from the joint planets Pinket and Purketon. Primarily a peace loving race with no qualms with any other race in the universe, they were devastated by a mind changing disease making them 100% evil.
“HA HA HA! WE HAVE COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU BOARACIOUS! YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME THIS TIME!” Roastacious said slyly.
“And what do you think you are going to do? We all know that you can’t do anything with my ship without me or any of the other Time Boars. The Truffle won’t let you get into it or control it! HA ha ha!”
“THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG YOU FOOL! DO YOU REMEMBER THE SPY YOU SENT DOWN TO EARTH TO MONITOR THE MERSEYSIDE AREA AFTER THE FIRST INTERGALACTIC PIG WAR?”
“You don’t mean?”
“YES! WE HAVE CAPTURED HIM! YOU DIDN’T THINK I WOULD MISS THAT DO YOU?”
“He will never let you control the ship! Dennis is a strong dog and will never let you….”
“BUT HE ALREADY HAS!!! WE ARE NOW ON A COURSE FOR 1588. WE ARE GOING TO OVERTURN THE OUTCOME OF THE UNDESIRABLE PIG RACE ACT AND THEN TAKE OVER ENGLAND WITH THE SPANISH ARMADA…WE WILL CHANGE HISTORY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!”
Boaracious slumped back into the pink fluffy bed in despair…why would Dennis give in so easily?

Dennis a time travelling dog? What the hell? All those years he was banging me senseless and I never noticed anything about him…although it was usually him from behind so I never saw any twinkle of time dust in his eyes. A time traveller? And the Swilltrons had captured him. We are totally screwed. The Swilltrons had told me everything, we were on course for Spain 1588…there was nothing I could do and I didn’t know where Boaracious was…

“Fuck this for a game of soldiers! Roastacious be prepared for destruction on the highest level…” Boaracious said.
“AND JUST HOW DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT SNOUT? YOU WILL BE DESTROYED BY THE TIME YOU LEAVE THIS DOOR!”
Just then Boaracious pulled something out of his jacket...


...Coming soon...Part Two of 'Tildey Trotter and the Second Intergalactic Pig War - Boaracious versus Roastacious!'

Tildey Trotter: Porkin' Hell

Tildey Trotter: PORKIN’ HELL!

There have been many facts in our life time that are totally mythical. The moon was apparently made out of cheese until man stepped out onto its un-dairylea like surface in 1969. Cats apparently have nine lives, but we all know this is not true. Well I know because I shot one three times in the head and it died. However there is one myth that astounds me beyond belief. Pigs can not swim! Hogwash! For centuries this ‘fact’ has been circulating the globe fooling people into a false sense of security. A world where pigs are subordinate to humans is a nice set up isn’t it? ‘Humans can swim, pigs can’t.’ That is the fact that they want you to think. Well they are so wrong. When you are asleep at night all cosy in your bed-sit after sipping your cocoa and eating some hobnobs there is a magic in the air. Stroll down to the nearest piggery at night time and you may expect to hear the silent rumble of pig breath coming from under the hay. Look closer. Yes that’s right they have fooled you. A tape recording of pig wail is all that is there. Ha. You human fool! Where the hell are they? They must be around. In the yard maybe? Ok then go and look. No not there. Just Dennis the local sheepdog shafting another border colly called Mrs Pebbles. Go for it son. Anyway where were we? Yes, where are they? It is late and the air is as crisp as a steak McCoy…Suddenly you hear a snap from afar. What is it you ask? You are moving tentatively towards the sounds. The sound is getting louder. It sounds like children on helium shuffling around. Then you hear it. SPLASH! It can’t be you think. What did I tell you? Moving towards the sound past the farm house, leaving Dennis and Mrs Pebbles slumped with exhaustion, you see it. Just behind the barn the river is teeming with life. You have never seen anything like it before! Usually the river runs at a slow pace, but tonight it was violently choppy and full of Mr Baldwin’s prize winning pigs. Pigs! Swimming! The stories are false! We have been trying for years to tell you that pigs can swim but no human has ever listened. Maybe this is because we can only speak pig but you should have at least tried! Damn fools.

I know what you are thinking. I have brought you to this river to disprove years of false facts about pigs, but you are wondering why I am not swimming. That’s fine! I can not swim. I am the only pig in the whole of Merseyside who can not swim. Mr Baldwin trains us night and day in the river, but I always pretend that I am ill or have some important errands that need doing. I admit it I am a rubbish pig and don’t even deserve to be among Mr Baldwin’s prize lot. Swimming just isn’t for me. The others are so buoyant but I am just a fat swine with a poor front crawl action. Shameful. Yet I do have a secret life away from swimming. My name is Tildey Trotter and here is my story…

Lydiate is a nice town but it isn’t really a hot bed of activity. A small rural Merseyside town, surrounded by fields and far away from the fat cat streets of Liverpool. It may be nice and peaceful in Lydiate, but I must say for a pig like me it is tedious and mind-numbingly boring! You see I am not like all the other Pigs. Yes it’s true, I do have pink floppy ears and a lovely cork screw tail, but I am totally different believe me. There are three thousand pigs on our farm. We all get up at 6AM every morning when Mr Baldwin gives us our grub and we all go to sleep at 6PM after a whole day of eating and relaxing. What a life. To be honest it is not an existence to be proud of. What is our aim in life? To just ‘be’ or ‘exist’ on a farm near the Irish Sea? Not on my bacon. Mr Baldwin does sometimes take some of us away on holiday. It sounds somewhere foreign. Somewhere in France I think, called Abatoire. Maybe one day I will go! The only thing is though that none of them really come back. It must be so nice there and Mr Baldwin is such a nice man for letting them stay there.

Anyway you must be wondering why I am so different to all the other pigs. ‘Why can’t you swim Tildey Trotter? And what is the purpose of this story?’ I hear you ask. Well it was a stormy day in October and Mr Baldwin had just finished making a new fence for us in our sty. Everyone was huddled around in our stench satiated pen and an afternoon of sleeping and debauched games of Pigker (Poker but for pigs) was planned. I was fantastic at Pigker. When I was a wee swine I was allowed into the farm house to be fed up by Mrs Baldwin to get me strong enough to go back into the sty. I used to watch Mr Baldwin play Pigker with all his human friends, and I picked up some tips from him. Since then I have always come out trumps in all the games we played. I must be the most successful Pigker player in the North West, if not the North West I must be the best Pigker player ever…in the world! That day the others did not want me to play with them because they were sick of me winning. I had won so much straw and sawdust that my corner of the sty was like a Pig palace!!! They banned me from playing! Moi! The best Pigker player! I couldn’t believe it. Stupid hogs, they would not know how to play it if it was not for me. Damn them all to Pig hell. I trotted off in a huff. How dare they?! It was then that I noticed that Mr Baldwin was taking some Pigs away to Abatoire. Why don’t I ever get to go? It is not fair. I decided to try my luck and get onto the lorry. Mr Baldwin saw me and pushed me against the fence and muttered something like ‘you are too important to me to go to the Abatoire’. Surely he meant to Abatoire and not to the. He was never the most grammatical farmer in the North West. In a bad mood I sat in the corner of the sty all alone. Why couldn’t I play Pigker or go to Abatoire. It was not fair!

Later that evening I woke up to hear cheers from behind me. Apparently Francis Bacon had won his first game of Pigker! What a backstabber! I taught him everything I know! I was so angry that I decided to leave the sty and take the secret passage down to the river. Oh yes. Back then I could swim! I thought that some gentle aqua exercise would cheer me up no end. Down I snorted to the river leaving the sound of Francis squealing in the distance. I passed Dennis and Mrs Pebbles sniffing each others private parts, I winked at Dennis and he winked back. Little does Mrs Pebbles know about the affair that Dennis and I had. What a lover Dennis was. Oh well that was all in the past. He has had his fill of gammon loving! I reached the river. It was moving slowly as usual and looked incredibly inviting…

A flash of blue light! Searing pain frazzled through my trotters and jolted down my spine. The last memory I had was a distinct smell of smoky bacon crisps in the air…then nothing. Darkness filled my pig brain. Moments passed then light began to poor through my eyes. Dazzling blue sky appeared in my vision. Was I in pig heaven? Damn I thought the sky in pig heaven would be made out of barley oats. Oh well what’s a pig gonna do? All I could hear were birds singing and the faint smell of horse crap permeated my nostrils. But…It can’t be pig heaven! Horses don’t go to heaven! They are naturally evil, and everyone knows that horses got to horsy hell! It’s a fact. If I wasn’t dead and wasn’t in heaven where the hell was I? I picked myself off the floor and began to think back to what happened by the river. I do remember stepping into the river and feeling the cool waters against my soft swine skin. It was lovely. The water was fantastic and swimming was sublime. Suddenly I remember the sky turning a dark grey and there was flashing and rumbling coming from the sky. That was it! Lightning! I got hit by lightning! Down I sank to the bottom of the river, lifeless. A dead piece of pork, frazzled, dazzled and scared, not a muscle in my body could move. Then it went dark. Now I can see that you want to ask how a pig gets hit by lightning. Well, weeks ago Mr. Baldwin screwed metal pig boots to our feet. It may sound strange but I did tell you that we were prize winning pigs and Mr. Baldwin was training us in the art of tap dancing. Day and night he taught all of us to tap dance. We had to do the Electric Pig-Boo-gaa-loo; the Foxtrotter; the Muffle Shuffle and even the most difficult pig dance – the Tap tap tap tap tappa tap tap! Our bodies ached for days and even when we were tired Mr. Baldwin would stand there his dog, and my ex-lover, Dennis forcing us to dance with. Anyway, I digress, that is why I got hit by lightning! Where was I then? Why was I not in the river? As I wandered around I couldn’t see the farm anymore. There was no sign of Mr. Baldwin or Dennis. Where was everyone? In the distance I could see a road and a sign. I trotted over…

“WHAT THE FUCK! IT CAN’T BE RIGHT!!! IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! BERLIN 25 MILES????” I squealed, “WHAT THE DOUBLE FUCK FUCK! WHY THE PORKIN’ HELL AM I SPEAKING? I AM A PIG!!!!”
It can’t be real. What was I doing in Germany twenty five miles away from Berlin? And more to the point why the hell was I speaking in fluent English? Impossible!
“Hallo little piggy! Vhy are you crying so?” blurted a man behind me.
I was astonished. A tall German man stood before me. From his neck upwards he was the archetypical German man, with blonde hair, blue eyes and a huge moustache. What concerned me was the fact he was wearing a dress laden with gold sequins! Flabbergasted! Without a word of response I slumped to the ground and passed out. Oh my god!

“Zee Vheels on Za bus go round and round, Zee vheels on za bus go round and round, all za day long!!! Hurra!” I heard the lady man sing.
I woke up in the back of a decrepit truck. His singing was gash. I have honestly heard better singing from Marmaduke the Manx cat on the farm. And she hasn’t even got any eyes!
“Vee are nearly zere little piggy! You are lucky zat you survived. You came from zee sky. From novhere!” He she said.
“Where are you taking me? Who are you? Where are we?” I flabbered.
“My name is Ulrich Von Shitesen. You can call me Ulrich ‘Poo’. Ha ha. You are in Germany my Piggy friend! Who are you? Vhere did you come from?” He spluttered. I think he is pissed.
“Germany? What year is this? Your clothes are so…erm…old…erm…can I ask why you are wearing a dress? Oh hell, what’s going on?”
“Don’t vorry little piggy, you are safe vith me. What do you mean what year is it? It is 1931. You stupid piggy! Hahaha. Why do you speak in such dialect? Vhat is your name piggy?”
“My name is Tildey Trotter and I am from Liverpool in England, FROM 2006!!!”
“HAhaha, you funny little scouse piggy! Zere is no way any piggy can time travel. It is impossible. Hahaha, you are funny! Time travelling piggy! Hahaha” he shouted.
What was I doing in Weimar Germany in 1931? Am I dreaming? It can’t be real. I try to pinch myself but all I have are stupid trotters! Ok…ok…calm down. Did I travel through time? Maybe when the lightning hit me I did. It seems impossible, but people said pigs couldn’t fly until Francis Bacon’s wife Rasher Bacon grew wings. The world’s first time travelling TALKING PIG!!! I could make millions.
“Hang on Mister Shitesen…” I declared
“You can call me Mr Poo if you want little piggy…Hahaha” he blurted wildly.
“Ok…Don’t you think it is strange that in Weimar Germany in 1931 you are talking to a time travelling pig called Tildey Trotter? A time travelling pig that FUCKIN SPEAKS?!?!” I exclaimed.
“Don’t vorry little piggy it is ok. There are many animals in our country zat speak. We just don’t tell zee other countries! Hahaha. Vee are zee only country in zee world vith speaking animal! Hahaha.” He said sloppily.
“But I come from a different century!!!”
“Zat is a bit weird but ‘what the heck’ as you English say! Vee are all von big family! Hahahaha. Vee are nearly here little piggy. I vill take you to meet my girlfriend Heidi Schlapper, she vill look after you little piggy. You can even help us with our show if you vant…Hahaha…a little scouse piggy on zee stage. Hahaha.”
What the FUCK was going on? Why was I here with a mad bastard German called Mister Poo in a porkin’ dress? The show, what fucking show? We entered Berlin slowly in his old truck…I looked tentatively through the window…my eyes strained in the sunlight. We stopped. As I looked I could see a small old theatre. A show? He wants a talking pig in the theatre??? Bollocks…

“You want me to sing a song?”
The theatre was small and ramshackled. The windows were broken and in need of repair and the paint work looked as though it had not been touched up since it was installed. It was now dawning on me…A pig struck by lightning, blasted years – decades – into the past…to Weimar Germany of all places. A country that would soon give way to the stalwart power of Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party. And how the hell can I speak? Never mind where I was!
“Yes hog! Vee vould like you to be in our musical show! It is about two German vimmin who save Germany from depression by singing!” Heidi said.
That would explain the dress that Mister ‘Poo’ was wearing. Of course! I was in Germany during the depression, no wonder why the theatre was in such a state! Heidi Schlapper was a brawny lady, with testosterone spewing out of every orifice. I just hope that it is not spewing out of her lower orifice!
“Well hoggy? Do you vant to be in our musical show? It is called ‘Don’t be depressed, lets get undressed!” She said excitedly.
“Please piggy! Vee vould like you to sing one song in our musical show!” Ulrich said.
“But…What…who…where…how…I AM A DAMN PIG FROM THE FUTURE! I TALK! How can I sing in your show? I don’t even know if I can sing!”
I was still trying to come to terms with the whole situation. Then it dawned on me. I might never be able to get back to England. At that point I walked off with my head in my trotters. This was unbelievable!

A few days passed and Ulrich and Heidi looked after me. They were grotesque characters, but hey this story would be shit without them. Days passed and I began to comprehend that I would never go back to Lydiate. What a peculiar set of circumstances. Fucked up. That’s it! I couldn’t mope around any longer. If I am going to be stuck in Weimar Germany I was going to do something…
“Ulrich! Heidi! I will be in your show!” I blabbered
“Very good little piggy. Vee must start straight away! Zee shows starts in three day time!” Ulrich decalred
“Here you are Tildey Hog! You vill have one small song in our musical show, but it is one of zee best songs in the show!” Heidi spluttered.
“Vee have written a small part about a little piggy who entertains the people of Deutschland!” said Ulrich.
“Show me!” I murmured tentatively.

‘DON’T BE DEPRESSED, LET’S GET UNDRESSED’

A musical show by the esteemed play and musical writers
“Shitesen and Schlapper”

What the fuck! I read on to where my song is…

Hallo Deutschland! Hallo Deutschland!
My name is Piggy Hiltesbrand!
I come from far away from the land of Bavaria,
I come with my friends; we come to take care of ya!
Don’t cry! Piggy is here!
Don’t cry! Drink some Piggy beer!
Don’t cry! Let me here a cheer!

Hallo Deutschland! Hallo Deutschland!
My name is Piggy Hiltesbrand!
Times may be hard, as the French say Merde!
There may be no money for us left in the bank!
There may be no fun for us but we can always have a…

I stop reading…what a load of Porkin’ shite! A pig that helps Germany recover from the depression. No one would ever come and pay money for that!
“Where do I sign?” I said

5 years later…

The year is 1936. Who would have thought it that 5 years ago I was nobody on a farm in the middle of Merseyside? Now I am a stage star in the heart of Nazi Germany! That’s right Nazi Germany! I saw the whole thing. Hitler coming to power was crazy! I am now a huge celebrity. People pay hundreds of Marks to come and see ShiteSchlappTrotter shows! What a life…

Until one night after our new show, ‘Third Reich and you’re out: a death camp musical’, trouble stirred! That night we were celebrating with champagne and sugared Barley oats at the success of the show…
“Quiet Tildey! Listen to zee radio!” Heidi shouted.
We all fell silent. Hitler was making an announcement on the radio…

“AS ZEE FUHRER I BELIEVE IT IS TIME TO ERADICATE OUR PURE COUNTRY OF ALL BEINGS WHO ARE NOT OF PURE GERMANIC ORIGIN! MY GOAL IZ FOR A PURE GERMANY. A GERMANY WITHOUT IDLENESS, JEWS, HOMOSEXUALS, CLOWNS, AND ESPECIALLY TALKING ANIMALS. IF THEZE PEOPLE DO NOT GIVE ZEMSLEVES UP BY NEXT WEEK WE WILL COME AND EXTERMINATE THEM IN THEIR HOMES!!! A REWARD WILL BE GIVEN TO THOSE WHO HAND IN ANY OF THEZE PEOPLE!”

The crowds cheered him and the whole room fell silent! My skin turned clammy and as white as a sheet. Porkin’ hell! Why me! I could hear Ulrich whispering to Heidi behind me. They were very nervously looking in my direction, and then I realised…if a reward was offered and the others had voted for Nazi party then that would mean…
“I am sorry piggy but we have to do this for Deutschland!” Ulrich shouted
Heidi went to grab me. I squirmed away from her and ran under the table knocking the champagne and barley oats all over the floor. I was a fast pig and they knew it. I ran down into the theatre and out onto the street. Footsteps turned to sprinting behind me. They were both chasing me down the street. How could they do this? How could my friends do this to me?
“Chase zat little piggy! Zee Fuhrer demands it!” Ulrich shouted.
Here I was Tildey Trotter, a fat little swine from a village near Liverpool running down a street in Berlin not knowing where to run to! If I ever found a hiding place I would still be caught! I am again a fucked piece of stinking pork! Why the hell does this happen to me. It was the same with Dennis the sheepdog. He dumped me for a younger model, what a cunt. I am so unlucky!
In the background I could hear two sets of sprinting feet turn into tens and then that transformed into hundreds when the police joined in the hunt! I was Porked good and proper!

WHACK!
My head was throbbing. They had caught me, I knew it! Tildey Trotter was just going to be another life lost in the Nazi death machine. I looked up to see what had hit me, but hang on…something hadn’t hit me I had run into something! A large hovering craft appeared before me. It was a long brown machine with growling engines underneath and at the back. There were blinding flashing lights all over it. It was unreal!

“Quick get in lady swine!” a booming voice echoed over the craft’s radio.
“What is going on?” I quivered. Just then a large robotic arm cam out and grabbed me. The craft then powered up and zapped across the sky with me holding on to dear life underneath it. Who or what had saved my bacon? I soon gave up pondering however when my whole body gave into shock and I blacked out…

“Hello Tildey Trotter.” A voice said.
I awoke from a deep sleep with a banging headache. My eyes could not focus and all I could see were flashing lights and a dark figure before me. Where was I? Who was speaking to me? As my eyes focused I began to realise that I was inside the craft that I had run into. The room was full of control panels and they were jam-packed with buttons and flashing screens. I could hear the thunder of the engines and they were throbbing in time with my banging headache.
“Wh-Wh-ere am I?” I asked shakily.
The dark figure before me came into focus and held out his hand…sorry…not his hand…his trotter? Was I dreaming? In front of me was a tall boar-like creature with jet black fur. Tall and robust, the largest wild boar I had ever seen. He had dark green eyes and beautiful bright white tusks, and his facial fur was immaculate. An absolutely beautiful looking boar…but why the hell was he wearing an Admirals jacket?
“Don’t worry Tildey Trotter you are safe now,” he boomed, “My name is Admiral Boaracious Snout at your service and you are on board the TM Truffle. You were in a bit of a quandary back there were you not!”
“TM Truffle? What? What are you and how did you find me?” I questioned.
“Well you are on board the Time Machine Truffle and I am a Time Boar from the planet Hogglesford. Be not afraid…our race has never been discovered and never will be…”
“A Time Boar? So what does that mean? You travel through time in a massive fucking truffle, but why?” I asked.
“I Boaracious Snout search through time and look for ‘piggies in the middle’ of trouble…we as a race of Time Boars help pigs like you and guide you to safety…you are a lucky swine, you would have been made into Brockwurst!” said the admiral.

Saved from Nazi Germany by a time travelling super boar in a gigantic truffle! Yes you heard it! Crazy. As the creature explained about what the Time Boars did I could not believe my pig ears. Our planet was not alone…and we were not the only pigs in the universe! Hamtastic! I sat there all night listening to his stories of the many pigs he had saved from ham eating robots…the evil butcher race of the planet Chop…the list went on.

“How did you know my name Boaracious Snout…sir..?” I asked timidly.
“Please call my Snouty…my friends do…well Tildey I have been searching for you for years ever since I felt a glitch in the time vortex when you got stuck by lightning! I was sent from Hogglesford to search for you and take you back to where you came from.” Snouty declared.
“Thank you so much. You saved my rind you are my hero! Let’s go back to Lydiate then!” I said.

“What????!!! Lydiate but…”
Boaracious Snout quivered and looked at me in the eye.
“Did you say Lydiate?”
“Yes…” I answered
“I fought in a war there many years ago that’s all…”
“What war?” I asked inquisitively.
“The Hundred years intergalactic Pig War…the bloodiest war that I have ever fought in! The evil butcher race the ‘Baldwins’ slaughtered many thousands of our people in the battle. We eventually won, but some of the Baldwins escaped. I hope none of them are still around!” He muttered nervously.
I looked at him in the eye. He saw the anxious look in my eye. THE BALDWINS! MR. BALDWIN! He wasn’t sending us away on holiday to Abbatoir! He was sending us away to be slaughtered…
“One of them still exists Tildey, is that right?” He asked.
“YES AND HIS FAMILY!”

At that moment Boaracious Snout leaped to his trotters and thrusted the time machine into full throttle.
“Hold on tight Tildey…” he shouted, “Lets go and destroy the fuckers.”




TO BE CONTINUED…

‘TILDEY TROTTER AND THE SECOND INTERGALACTIC PIG WAR’